From E. M. Bonham Carter to H. E. Darwin 27 March 1870

Dearest H.

Your letter was very acceptable though as I said before I find it decidedly trying to read yr descriptions. Our winter is never, never ending & one does nothing but have colds & get to feel more & more torpid. We have had deep snow twice lately & east wind in between. But I won't be too gloomy all things come to an end & I feel as if once in my life I must go abroad for a winter, if you are going to take to it as a habit. You won't be able to keep me off joining you some time. I am so glad you are comfortable & like yr independent life. I have come to think less well of real lodging life than I did once. I'm sure many a man feels it very dreary & it is greatly that life that makes 'em so selfish. Oh why am I writing such trite things—what I mean is, I think a modified lodging life is what one wants for men & women, then yours now is as you say modified. Well I've one or two pleasant things to say in spite of my gloomy beginning, first of all that Gertrude Smith is really engaged to be married, & to a most satisfactory nice man. Alexander Sellar a Scotch barrister, having an appointment in London for 6 months of the year. You must have heard me speak of their scotch friends the Sellars, who used to live at Ardternish—before they bought it. Professor William Sellar & his wife being the most remarkable members of the family—heretofore Alexander is an Oxford man cultivated literary & clever—& by reports nice. I know him but little that little I like—I think it is a most creditable & good marriage for Gertrude & I am so thankful she has chosen so well, after all the troubles & difficulties she went thro', with her admirers, poor soul. Everyone seems pleased, mother & father & all & they know so much of the family that it seems all smooth. One did so long for one cheerful bright marriage in that family. I can't say how glad I am. It is only just announced so I know no more.

The next thing I want to talk to you abt is a nice little visit I paid last week to Caroline Stephen (Effie's friend). You know she came here last year & so I got my return invite & staid 3 days with them in London. I was immensely interested & taken with her—& she seemed to have so much to say to me, all at once without any preliminaries, wh. is so nice. I gave myself up entirely to talking with her—& did very little else but a Saturday concert, which by the bye I enjoyed mightily—in spite of a fearful struggle for places. [To] & Schumann, Mendel quartett strings—solos Schumann & Kreuzer sonata—How curious is the effect that a very tall large person has at first in making one think them ever so much older wise & better than oneself, at least so it is with me. I didn't mean to say that Caroline S is not all this, but I cant help taking it for granted at first, without meaning it, & wondering what such a superior being can want with a little thing like me! The feeling wore off very soon—I suppose you know she is a regular, conservative woman & will have "none of these things" such as you & I wish to see. education is her special abhorrence, but I don't mind that the least in the world, in fact it is rather an additional interest to me to talk to a woman with quite opposite views— We talked immensely ab^t marriage too & there again her feelings are essentially womanly, of course we came to no more conclusions than you & I do but hit upon rather a neat way of defing the 1^st & second rate marriages, that we so often discuss, by numbers eg. If you feel you are capable of a marriage that is of affection = 50, ought you ever to accept one which on your side is only = 15. She says she thinks she would, for if the man were at 50 in his affections the strong wish on his side would be sufficient to satisfy her in fact to make it impossible for her to refuse. I daresay this view is true of a great many people & I do think the answer to the question I put above depends so very much upon whether the woman is one who has felt all her life, that marriage is the one thing she wishes for (in the best sense) if this is the case I think she had better take 15 on the whole rather than wait all her life for 50, just as in everything in this word we have to content ourselves with lowering our ideal to what we can get. Miss Thackeray came & spent a quiet evening, which was extremely entertaining I liked her of course very much. Who does not? & she being so intimate with C.S the talk was easy directly—She said she had not enough spinster friends! who were "boon companions" & we enrolled ourselves in a society of this name. I heard great deal abt C.Ss book which interested me very much. She wont get it out just yet though. Also a great deal ab^t her admiration & liking for Effie & more distant admiration of Hope, because she did not know her as she did Effie. I hear Snow is come back from Hitchin to finish up her book, she seems a good deal puzzled in her views ab^t College life, we must try & get her here to hear all abt it. Do you know that they are setting up at Cambridge too after all. I dont mean that Miss Danes is doing it, but the Professors house instituted regular Lectures for Women & more there is to be a lady there who will receive students. I wonder how it will answer, it would be just the thing or such as you or me who might to study & not to be hampered or examined but whether the public in general are prepared for such a move dont know. Poor Mr [Mashby] is dead, after a long illness, & I do not know anything of the new man they have appointed a Rev GF Browne of St Catherine's College. He wont't be more zealous, but he may be wiser than poor Mr M. I sent a message by yr mother that I was sorry I cd not do anything ab^t the Coniston Marshalls  I'm sorry but the acquaintance seems rather too slight on the SS side. I will certainly write to Mr Harris & tell him you are at Cannes, Mamma will be so glad to hear ab^t them that I have no scruple in telling him ab^t you, as you wd not dislike going over. I shall suggest his writing to you. I think that will be the best way. I suppose you remember. Villa aux Rochers is the name. Route de Villefranche  You have not further described the brown holland gown—perhaps as I have two of the same nature rather I shd be foolish, but tell me ab^t it please. I have not seen very much of your people, but I think yr mother seems well & cheerful. What a terrible loss this seems to be to the H. Wedgewoods. I had never heard you speak of this brother, so I knew nothing. I hear Tommy is behaving so well yr father does not care to hear of a new horse, is that right  Do you think it make one rather fearful. I hope you are amused by P. Bonaparte's trial as we are. I scarcely ever cared for a trial before. You've heard of course of Nora Norman's engagement to Gerard N. it is so dull of him  I have no patience with it—they get no new blood, or friends or relations into the family—however it's very safe, there's no doubt ab^t that. I go up to town ab^t every fortnight now on my Ed. business  I hope to have a little respite at Easter & if it were but decent weather should like to have a little holiday or go & copy Turners at Oxford but I don’t suppose I shall. We hear Ruskin took into his head to lock up all the Turner drawings & let nobody see them one fine day—so perhaps all hope is over of doing anything there. I must enquire—-I'm reading a book abt Titian's Country & the Dolomite mountains, wh. nearly drives me wild to be there, but tis not a winter [place—Meran] wd do tho' very well & is near the Dolomites. I think tis best I shd [slip]. Tell me ab^t the flowers in yr next—& bring some sorts of gladiolas and cyclamen if you can. I saw such lovely lilac cyc. come from there—Dont be very long afore you write to yr disconsolate friend & come home in reasonable time—

Yr EMBC

Cd not you get Sara Sedgwick to join you when you come?