From Leonard Darwin to Emma Darwin [March 1882]

Dearest Mother.

I am engaged to be married to Miss Fraser. I know I shall have all your warmest sympathies from home, and I should much have liked to let you know all about it sooner, but thought it better to wait till it was quite certain. It is now nearly 10'oclock, and I have a good deal to say; I am rather tired, but could not let a night pass without writing now it is quite settled. We have been friends now, on and off, for 9 years, and lately I came to see more of her, and felt that it was more than a friendship and could not go on as such. After I had made up my mind on the point I heard that she was going out to the Cape of Good Hope with her brother Major Fraser for a few months. This brought things to a sudden crisis because I could not let her go without telling her know what I thought. This was in the middle of last week. I think it might have come to this before, possibly long before, if it had not been for one thing. I knew she had very strong and unshakeable religious opinions, and I always feared that this might lead to unhappiness. But lately I had come to think that we might live together happily without either changing our views, as I am sure we neither shall. We had often talked these things over very freely. I found that she looked on it much in the same way, and it has been a great mental struggle with her to know if she is right in marrying me. She has now decided she can, and will I think never reconsider that point. It was only the religion made her doubt, and I was most anxious not to press that point, not I mean to make her take a hurried or unthought out decision. This have made the question hang fire these few days, and given me an anxious time. Another thing was that the Father took a somewhat strong objection to the match at first. He is an irritable old gentleman, that is rather difficult to drive, and would probably have objected to any match that had not been arranged by himself French fashion. I am afraid he worries his daughter a good deal very often. I wanted sympathy much through this and told Henrietta all about it, and she has been a comfort to me. I cant go on without giving her a name; her name at home is Bessie, but obviously that would not do for us, so I have renamed her Bee. She is I am sorry to say out of health; her Mothers death, followed by other troubles (I think three years ago,) broke down her nerves, and she has pains in the head and is very thin. She went to Gull, and he said she was quite sound in body, and advised a sea voyage, so that her brother's going to the Cape was jumped at. But then came the question, should this alter that idea, should she now go? We have all thought over the question carefully and still think it best—and possibly it is the day after tomorrow she goes. It seems brutal to let her go just now; I wish I knew what was right. On one side there is her health  On my side there is my exam; it is hard to take such things into account, but it would making working very very difficult if she were here. Other things till now have made this question, now of the first importance, seem secondary. At present arranged she goes when he does; and with the usual War Office forethought he now, on Tuesday, does not know whether he is to sail on Thursday. Luckily they are not Darwins. I found her today quite unconcerned as to the uncertainty of the start  I see I have not said that she would be back in June, a few days after the exam is over. The family consists of old M^r. Fraser, two sons, both married and getting on well in the world.; she has no sisters. She is 3 years older than me, which I wish was the other way, but I flatter myself I look considerably the oldest of the two. I am very bad at describing anyone at anytime, and feel this more than ever difficult. I enclose her photograph, not that it is a nice one. I afraid she looks not so well, and older, but none of her photographs have to my mind anything of the brightness of her face. There must be the usual and unaccountable secrecy about this engagement as about all the others, though neither of the principally interested parties want it. The Father seems to want it not known yet, we dont know why, and we include Laura in the family, as I am sure of her sympathy too.

Good night dear Mother. I cant write any more sense, and I am tired. I have been burning the candle at both ends. Love to Father I hope he is better., and Bessie

Your affec son | L Darwin

This is not a satisfactory letter. but I cant help it.