From Thomas Archer Hirst   Sunday Morning | July 31st 1853

Queenwood College – | Sunday Morning. | July 31^st 1853

My dear John.

On arriving here on Friday last I found two letters¹ from you. The first² interested me of course most, wherein you describe your journey and your fair travelling companion.³ I rather smiled at your demanding a divine girl, and felt inclined to ask what you would do with her. For purposes of worship your imaginary girl projected against Heaven’s clear blue is the proper article, you have no right to demand a more substantial one. For actual companionship and use your divine girl would be useless. She cannot keep house or mend stockings &&c above all your divine girls are not often good breeders. Excuse my very material answer to thy poetical letter for I do it intentionally. Your aspirations are strung up too high, or at least whilst tolerating them as aspirations and enjoying them as such I find it necessary to recall thee to the actual how to raise it as much as possible, what to expect from it and what to tolerate in it. In plain words I think you must alter somewhat your ‘standpoints’ when judging our veritable ‘womankind’

You talk about this ‘Pigs snout’ (the term annoys me very much) ‘There is something of the Pig in them all.’ ‘But the pigs snout shews itself in the long run in the most beautiful that I have seen’ These are hard words John. and when I read them I accused thee of foul libel, of blasphemy. And then I set to work finding out thy meaning and why, when, and where thou hast seen all this. I cannot corroborate it. I protest against it, for the sake of one or two I have known, who far transcend myself in purity I protest against it. You are curiously constituted John and thy constitution has been a subject of many hours thought for me and though I have returned scores of times from such thought with a feeling of just pride and encouragement, yet there is always a trace of dissatisfaction which has never yet been able properly to give an account of itself but will do some day. Rousseau⁴ somewhere says that the task of expression was often a source of great pain to him he scarcely ever sat down to write without feeling a strange disquiet, a turmoil within himself which held him by its fascination but yet pained him.⁵ In this I often sympathise with him and never more than when I approach such fickle subjects – as the present. Oh there is a weight of something I feel certain could be shaken off, that presses on me and yet that I cannot throw off. I have nothing but patience to help me and the hope that like Christian in the Pilgrims progress⁶ I shall throw down my load some day. Your strength and self command has very often been of mighty service to me – but in closer communion with thee I have felt with sadness that I could not did not possess thee altogether. I think the sadness perhaps arose from the thought that thy path through the world must be solitary that even I could not accompany thee every where, and I could not answer myself why. You like to be firm yourself but to see others human.⁷ I have noticed it scores of times and with some sort of dissatisfaction. I have longed to be more human towards thee and could not and I believe solemnly that thou art to blame for it. You are not human enough for one that solves part of my difficulty. You have an ideal before you which no one can dispute you follow bravely and firmly, but you would absorb too much into it, it leads you into other failings which I perhaps think equal to those you would free yourself from. There is some allowance to be made I know for our different natures and that as long as ever this difference exists this want of total agreement will remain. But I have said enough we have both our own riddle to solve to a great extent this riddle for us both is the same but it has its modifications for each of us.

In the matter of marriage and ‘womankind’ from which we started, I believe you ought and must somewhat alter your point of view. You hesitate to ally yourself to one who might impede you in following this same ideal of yours, you wish to find some one who would rather encourage you in it & assist you. With regard to the latter you will be in some measure disappointed. Take care that here you do not deceive yourself. Take care that you do not shut yourself (I will not say from comforts or pleasures for you would spurn them) from experiences & sources of discipline equal to those you seek alone. Consider whether or not by deviating from your more solitary path you could not find one in company with some kind soul whom you could cheer and exalt & be thereby yourself highly benefited. Could you not thus humanize yourself without compromise. It is a problem for you to solve a problem you ought to solve, but one which in my humble opinion you are not exactly in the right way to solve at present.

After this long & in a measure futile attempt to say what I set out to say, I will pass on to more business like matters. I have received £35 from M^r E.,⁸ the remaining £8 (about) yet due to you will be paid when asked for. Herewith I send the first halves of four £5 notes the second halves I will send in a day or two.⁹ By this post I shall send the first halves of three £5 notes to M^rs Stewart.¹⁰ I have at present only £20 at your disposal which with your own £8 will make a sum of £28 to expend immediately on apparatus. On October first I shall have another £20 which I can send you if required. I have arrived here under very disadvantageous circumstances for I am suffering very severely from Tic-douloureux,¹¹ it makes me almost frantic sometimes and has robbed me entirely of 3 nights sleep. The good folks here would nurse me well if I would let them. The other night M^r E. recommended a warm bath, I consented, at which he was pleased, saying ‘I hope Thomas then wilt not take John Tyndall’s example but will let us occasionally have the pleasure of nursing thee.’ I replied ‘I can make no promises, this time your remedy and mine happen to coincide, and for that reason I have so readily submitted.’ Well the little fellow was very officious and at the end was disappointed, he wanted to help me to take a warm bath, he had it up in my bed room, poured in his hot and cold water and with a thermometer he succeeded in producing the orthodox temperature. I waited quietly by without speaking & shewed no symptoms of undressing, he then left me telling me to sit a quarter of an hour in it compared his watch with mine and said that at the end of that time he would return; I undressed then, sat in the bath ten minutes, jumped out, rubbed myself, and jumped into bed. True to his time he put his nose in at the door and uttered a cry of disappointment to see all finished, on his arm he had an immense number of clothes and flannels which he said he had brought to lap me in and to help me to rub myself. I thank him, chuckled & bid him good night. Next morning & ever since I have pretended to be better to avoid all further trouble. In reality however I am no better, and many a time have I to sit in agony opposite him at table, to keep talking and looking pleasant. I console myself however that it is no worse for thus suffering silently, nay perhaps the very discipline may be beneficial. Very few boys have arrived yet, and work will not begin until next week. All the tutors except Debus have returned. Edmondson expects 70 boys. Wright expects 65 at most, and will be satisfied with 60. As I expected, a delay has taken place with respect to my lodgings. No cottage can be found for the Gardener.¹² I know very well that if I were not daily to remind M^r E. that he would contrive very soon to forget all about it. I intend however to be very firm about the matter.

Remember me kindly to all Berlin Friends especially Dirichlet. Get to know from Schneider if you can what vessel he has sent my boxes by and to what port it will sail. I shall have to employ an agent at the port of arrival otherwise they will not send them on to Queenwood. Write soon.

Thine affectionately | T. A. Hirst

RI MS JT/1/H/180

RI MS JT/1/HTYP/251–253