WCP3429

1 St Mary's Terrace

May 26.1874

My dear Mr Wallace,

I enclose you the few sentences I wrote about Bertie¹. But really I do not believe I am to be relied upon. I am very sorry both my tests prove wrong for it helps to confirm me in the suspicion flowing upon me in spite of myself (for how I want it to be true) that my development at any rate is in great part a delusion. In all these months I have written so much which would be the natural rambling of my brain if I were half dreaming (or my governing power over my imagination slackened)[2] & whenever I go beyond this my information is so gratuitously false or useless.

I have now been at work for five months giving myself with as trustfully as I could doing all which I could gather or even guess was required of me, & asking to be told further ways of advance and yet I am not one whit further advanced in any tangible way than I was in the beginning — nevertheless my sisters & any of the spirit friends communicating with me (& indeed I might say any spirits whether true or false who wised to gain influence) would wish first of all to convince one of the reality of the phenomena. Yet with all their avowed wish to help me I do not find even at seances (I have been several[3] times to my friends the Shoemakers²as well as one to the Slaters³) I do not get through other mediums a single tangible fact. If it were not for the trouble it would cause to others I really think I would consent to have a bone broken, if only a table or other inanimate object were to do it all of itself.

I do not complain that I have not got far, five months is a moment of time in the study of science, but I do feel it very unsatisfactory that I am no nearer knowing now than I was at the end of the first week whether I am on the track of solid truth or am following a phantom. At this rate one may lose time & strength for half one's life following a will o' the wisp only to be lodged in a bog at the last![4] It seems to me as if spiritualism from my experience leaves one always in the state of the man who "never is, but always to be blessed".

This is a long growl[?] but I must let it out to someone & I have too much interest in it now to increase the scepticism of outsiders, while mama⁴ has such a happy faith in it as uniting her with my sister⁵ that I cannot bear to shake it therefore you get the benefit. I knew you were busy with examinations for Dr Sexton⁶ read out your letter to the spiritualists meeting & Frances[?]⁷ & I were there. Mrs Jappace's⁸ speaking is entrancing & makes me[5] long to hear her more often & her answers to objectors were most direct & in such a beautiful tone of thought although she kept to the point most stringently. Mrs Mosse⁹ interested me less. Dr Sexton kept splendid order & his hearty straightforward mode of reasoning gave me a dash[?] of courage to hold on a little longer.

By the bye I am writing in Harley Street¹⁰ and Sir Charles¹¹ has[6] just told me that Huxley¹² was lately invited to a seance & detected the precise moment in which the medium put the chair upon the table "in fact" says Sir Charles "proved it a most clear case of imposture"!! It is no use trying to find out more from Sir C. but I hope to & see the Huxleys soon & will try if I can hear the story. Sir C. has read your article, but of course is not a bit convinced by it. I can tell you that at least your[7] paper is being read Sir C. read it at Darwin's¹³ & I xxxx ^{from him} that Darwin has also read it , Leckey¹⁴ & Grove¹⁵ I think both have, I fancy also Huxley but of this I am not sure. Many minor sceptics I know of who have read it.

am glad to hear you are all well, for myself I am so tantalised & worried with neccessity[?] that combined with the dullest of dull weather I feel an egotistical misanthrope.

Ever truly yours | Arabella B Buckley [signature]